I'm at my best when I'm at my worst...

Cursive has a way of expressing the things that I want to say, but am not creative enough to come up with on my own...

"Don't wanna live in the now, don't wanna know what I know."

I wonder if there's ever going to be a time that I am good enough for everyone else... I don't think I'll ever be good enough for me...

"Offer it up..."

I cannot tell you the number of times that I heard that phrase uttered from the lips of one of the only people in my entire life that's ever truly loved me, unconditionally... One of the only people that never made me feel bad about anything... It was my grandmother's way of telling me to get over things... That if I just offered the pain up to God, he'd gladly take whatever burden I felt away and fill me with a sense of joy, or at least peace... There was never a sense of disappointment in her voice... I never felt like I had to lie to her, or keep things from her... I knew that no matter what I did, or wanted to do, she'd support my choice, even if it was contrary to her own opinion.

She died in 2004. That was probably the last time that I felt almost whole... I mean, I'll never be whole, that was taken away from me far too long ago...