Far too long...

The past month has been ridiculously frustrating... I swore I wouldn't allow the darkness creep into my life, but I find that the shadows are somehow overtaking what little light was shining through beneath the closed door... even the key hole has been blocked and all that stands before me seems to be a heavy door that's stuck shut and won't budge regardless of how hard I push or pull. Maybe it's just locked and I haven't found the right key yet... I can hope, right?

I think that the constant ups and downs that have accompanied my son's mental health issues have made me realize that I'm less prepared for the daily challenges than I'd like to admit. The newest medications and reward systems appear to be a futile attempt to damper the fire that burns in his brain... He's so intelligent, and has the most logical thought processes most of the time, and then there's a change, a switch... and he completely loses any sense of reality and is reduced to tears and screams that are nearly unintelligible.

He has a tutor/nanny that spends alot of time with our family... Yesterday was his first experience with a real meltdown. He looked like a deer in the headlights when Jonah began to yell and cry and rant about how Josh had lied to him and was lying to me (though he had barely said a word). My son wouldn't stop screaming and crying, even when I stepped in and explained how he was being unreasonable and told him that Josh wasn't lying to him and he needed to calm down. The escalation of his reactions is epic. One moment he's sitting calmly typing the beginning of a letter to his uncle as part of a writing assignment, the next moment his face is nearly purple with anger and he's completely lost any semblance of reason. I have to admit, there was a secret sense of satisfaction when I realized that Josh was witnessing a breakdown. Sometimes I feel as though people think I must be exaggerating the severity of his behavior. Having someone from outside there to say "wow, I've never seen anything like that" made me feel better in a way. I don't know how that makes sense, but for me, it's just a matter of being thankful that I wasn't alone for a change.

After about 20 minutes, Jonah got to a point that I could finally communicate and calm him down some. I sent him to his room to "relax, take a few minutes to breathe or to meditate" and he closed his bedroom door behind him. I explained that what Josh was seeing wasn't all that unusual, and that Jonah would be out in a few minutes and would act as though nothing happened. Sure enough, a few minutes passed and Jonah came out of his room and seemed to be somewhat level headed. Then, for the first time, he looked at me and told me that he wasn't going to do the writing assignment that Josh had suggested and that he was going to write something else because he just didn't want to "do anything Josh said". This was the first time I'd ever seen him "calm" after an explosive episode, but still holding onto the negativity from the incident that sent him over the edge. I was shocked, but agreed that he could write 3 paragraphs of his choice because I didn't want a repeat of the previous half hour. It wasn't so much "giving in" for me, but for him... Watching his emotional turmoil manifest into a mind numbing rage seems counter productive... I just pray for peace, for him...

It's far too late to be writing anymore, but I didn't want to be completely negative, so I want to share something great... Jonah decided that he wanted to participate in the band Far's "Scream-A-Long" project, which is basically a way for people all over the world to participate in a hardcore scream-fest for a song on their new album... Seeing him sitting in front of the webcam and screaming with a purpose was kind of theraputic... seems ok to scream with a purpose... maybe there's always a purpose, just one that I can't recognize?