it's a beautiful day in this neighborhood...

a beautiful day for a neighbor...

Would you be mine? Could you be mine?

OK, so cheesy, but it's a gorgeous day out and I am enjoying the sun shining through my window and the warmth all around...

It's going to be a wonderful weekend... I need it...

Sickest haircut ever...

My boy wonder, Jonah, got his hair cut and dyed last night... For more than a year he's been asking if he could dye his hair, and I refused... I don't know why, but I just did... However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized how ridiculous it was to refuse such a simple request from a kid that's so amazing... It took a bit more time to do than we initially expected, but Jason cut it first, bleached it and then dyed it within a few hours... Jonah enjoyed some old school Super Mario Bros 3 while bleach and dye were doing their thing... We figured we'd be done by 830, but it was a little later, so Jonah was pretty tired, as evident from this first pic...

Once he really looked at his hair, he wanted more pics... He's never met a camera (or mirror) he didn't love...

He was posing in front of a wall of records that I've used to decorate our dining room... check out the one right behind his head, funny I didn't notice until I was posting this pic...

The coolest part of the hair dye... it's black light recessive...

I wonder what will happen when he gets off the bus today...

another late night/early morning-ish...

it's well after 3am and sleep's nowhere to be found... So here are a couple of observations about me...

1. I dislike people who say they will do something and then don't do it.
2. I hate excuses.
3. I think that my expectations of people are reasonable.
4. I will only ask of someone what I am willing to offer of myself in return.
5. I love easily. Not in the "I'm IN love" kind of way, but in the sense that I freely accept, appreciate and love people who enter my life. Even if it is only for a brief time.
6. #5 gets me in trouble, alot. Well, by "in trouble" I mean causes me to be disappointed, alot. It's become quite apparent that my love and appreciation for people is rarely greeted with the same enthusiasm.
7. I try way too hard.
8. I have strange obsessions with random things. ie. chewbacca, messy hair, lipgloss, boys that wear eyeliner and pretty much anything baby blue.
9. I love long flowing bufandas, that's spanish for "scarf"... I own several now, and I am finding that my least favorite part of the warmer weather is my lack of need for the bufanda...
10. I am going to bed.

<3

Long nights... late mornings...

Went out last night for the first time in months... back and ankle still messed up, but needed to clear my head... Started with a trip to see Charlie, which is always funny, since he still lives in a college dorm... At 30, it's weird to hang out at a dorm and hear drunk college kids screaming in the hallways and being insanely loud for no other reason except that their parents can't see them! One girl even walked directly in front of my car as I was leaving... All I could do is laugh, but then again, maybe she's the "drunk girl" that you can trick with apple juice... ugh, how I love Family Guy...



Charlie had to get up early, so I headed off to Hell to dance and chill with friends... So good to see Martha, Pudge and Jason... I had lots of silly fun... Danced a bit, if you can call it that, being that I'm still a bit of a gimp... Called Nic on the way home and demanded a peanut butter and jelly sandwich be waiting for my arrival at home... well, maybe not "demanded", more like "pleaded"... Came home at 230, made Nic play Dr Mario for like 20 minutes... stayed up til almost 5 watching insane reruns of "Roseanne" and tooled around on the web for a wee bit...



Couldn't seem to get going this morning, but the shower was calling... Was supposed to meet Moira for lunch today with her mom to discuss her baby's birth... Moira was Nic's friend back when they were like 14... They reconnected through myspace a few years ago and I adore her... She's an amazingly strong woman and has really left an amazing impression in my heart... We've rescheduled for next weekend and I'm hoping Jonah will also have his first swimming lesson with Tracy then... It'll be nice to go to Newport on a Saturday... It's been far too long...



IDK if anyone really cares to read this, since it's really just therapy for me, but there are some things that I want to scream from the rooftops... the idea that I am a Doula still gives me tingles... I literally get to help a woman bring her baby into the world... It's an honor that I never would have imagined... I've assisted in the delivery of several babies over the last few years, and it's still the same "walking on air" feeling... the highest high I can imagine... I even delivered one little boy because the doctor was "getting coffee" when he decided it was time to make his grand entrance... Being able to actually "catch" that beautiful baby boy was one of the most memorable experiences I think I'll ever have... I still get goosebumps when I think about each and every birthing experience... Each woman is different in the way they handle their labor and delivery... and each delivery is exactly what it is meant to be... My single goal as a doula is to remind mom that whatever curve ball labor throws, it can be dealt with... Whether it's an unplanned epidural, fetal monitoring or an emergency c-section, I strive to remind mom (and any other family member present) that everything we encounter will be handled... Being a doula was never a part of my life's plan, but then again, my life's plan never involved alot of my experiences...


I'm hoping for the best while preparing for the worst... expecting anything and nothing all at the same time...

why?

do people tend to pretend like they want something, when in fact it's NOT what they want at all?

I am so confused by people on a regular basis. There are many times that I find myself completely appalled by the fact that people are completely dishonest... This is not necessarily directed at me, but even just in their own lives.

I see people in everyday life that pretend that they want change, and do nothing to get there... (I used to belong to this category)... I also watch men and women in relationships who don't want to be there, yet they stay and keep their mouths shut because it's more convenient than breaking up... I see parents that act as though they take an active role in their child's lives, when in fact they don't even take the time to pay attention to the fact that their children are sad or lost or even take the time to find out who their friends are...

Recently, someone said some pretty terrible things about me, and about Nic. His opinion doesn't really matter, except maybe in his mind. However, when he decided that his opinions about our lives was more important than the respect that we've earned over the years, it's quite disheartening. I guess being there to pick someone up when they fall, take care of them when they're sick, support them when they're hungry or hurt, and love them unconditionally just isn't enough anymore.

I think that I'm pretty straight with people, actually, I know that I am. Sometimes it's a very positive experience, and at other times I now know that I should steer clear of certain situations. I've considered changing my approach with people, but I'm not sure how successful that would be, since it seems that many people simply pretend to care anyway...

I guess I'll see what happens... one way or another, I'll figure it out...

the plan...

for today:

1. Bake a cake for Nic (Funfetti with rainbow chip frosting)
1a. Hope Jonah does not get up in the middle of the night and eat said cake tonight.
2. Homemade baked mac and cheese with and without sausage.
3. Bring mac and cheese over to Arthur's house so he and Beth don't have to cook and can concentrate on the baby.
4. Convince Nic to go to the laundrymat so all our laundry is clean at the same time, instead of doing one load at a time. (I'll fold it all, but I can't carry it :( )
5. Think about and plan dinners for the rest of the week and delegate which nights I'll cook and which nights Nic will cook.
6. Think about what the next step is with Jonah, and have a written plan for the Psychiatrist for tomorrow. He's hurting himself again (picking scabs until they bleed and biting himself), and the midnight food raids are getting ridiculous. I am so sad. Sad, because even a doctor with years of experience with child psychiatry has never seen a kid with this compulsive food issue that only manifests at night. I hate medicating him, but I know it's for his own good. The mantra I keep repeating is "I wouldn't withhold medication for asthma, why would I not give him medicine for his mental health issues." But even then, it's not diminishing his "need to feed". It's really a bummer when you don't know what to do to help a kid that can't help himself. I love him so much, and every day I wake to find a mess, and a kid that's sad cuz he knows that what he's done isn't normal. All I can hope is to help him find some peace.

out of practice...

ever get the feeling that you'd be much better at something if you kept doing it? lol

That's how I feel about alot of things, but I'm not sure with writing. I want to keep writing, and I'm not sure if it's going to improve, but I'm determined to keep it up as a way to keep me sane.

I'm also going to try to keep my pics up to date on blip...

Check out my blip:

http://www.blipfoto.com/xobecky878xo

testing...

Who goes for medical testing on a weekend? Well, me... of course.... Honestly, didn't know that they even did that, so it was actually pretty cool to get it out of the way today.

I had to go get an ultrasound of my kidneys and bladder today... it doesn't appear they've found any stones or anything to worry about, so that's great news... Seems I have nothing to worry about!

Jonah was awesome, sat by my side, watched them do their thing and played Nintendo DS... He asked lots of questions about the ultrasound and what they could see, and I realized that the last ultrasound I had was when I was pregnant with him! He was in awe that he could see so much on the screen, and asked for an explanation of how it worked... He seemed impressed!

Then came the hard part... My grandmother is in the locked psych ward at the same hospital and hasn't been doing very well (both physically and mentally), so I brought Jonah to see her. The nurse didn't want to let us in, but I insisted that he be allowed to at least see her for a few minutes and the nurse begrudgingly agreed. I mean, if things don't go well, I want to know that he was able to see her and tell her he loved her before anything happened...

Jonah was nervous, mostly because the other patients on the floor wanted his attention, and his anxiety made him a little pink in the cheeks... But, we made it to my grandmother's room and he was cool. She was actually yelling at 2 nurses that were trying to give her meds! I looked in the room and told her "Hey, if you want us to visit, you've gotta take that medicine"... she looked shocked, but swiped the pills from the nurse's hand and swallowed it right down.

She saw Jonah was nervous and immediately changed her mood. She was so warm and caring, and told Jonah she was sorry, and that he had nothing to be afraid of... that she was just sick of all the medicine that she has to take and sometimes gets grumpy with the nurses.

When I saw her there last week, she said some pretty inappropriate things... things I'd never expect to hear from a 70+ year old woman, but with Jonah in the room, she was an absolute peach. She was so quiet and kind, spoke softly to Jonah and told Jonah how happy she was that he was able to visit. We were only allowed to stay a very few minutes, but Jonah gave her a hug and told her he loved her and she did the same!

If that's the last time that he sees her, and I pray that it's not, at least he'll have seen her in a positive light...

Jonah holds baby Arthur for the first time...

Jonah's anxiety issues make it hard for him to be around kids, especially babies...

Today, he saw his baby cousin in a more comfortable environment... at my brother's place.

I asked if he wanted to hold the baby, and he froze for a sec... He then got a big smile, like he has in this pic... He asked when the baby would learn to talk, and to walk... He asked when he could teach him math! I think they'll be great friends and hope that since it's unlikely that Jonah will have a sibling, that he'll build a strong relationship with his baby cousin...

I look forward to all the time we'll have to spend together!

motivation...

is hard to come by today... I've spent most of my week back and forth from doctor's appointments and PT, and tons of time at the hospital with my brother's new baby...

I woke up this morning to a call from my brother... We chatted about his hospital discharge with the baby and I hung up, set the phone on my chest and thought I'd stretch out for a few minutes more... I woke up 90 minutes later and couldn't believe the time... Thankfully, I had cancelled PT in preparation for having to help with the baby today, and because the last appointment made me feel as though my back was actually WORSE instead of better... I realized I hadn't taken my meds, and that I'd likely pay for it... well, I was right...

I've found every reason in the book not to get in the shower and even now sit here blogging/blipping/twittering/FBing/MSing all to avoid the inevitable... It's now 30 minutes before my son's bus arrives home from school, so I'm going to get in the shower NOW, but, I'll still admit it feels like I'm forcing myself to do something I shouldn't...

I don't think anyone actually reads this, but I have to say... it's therapeutic to get this crap out of my head and written down somewhere...

sleepy thoughts...

Finally a decent picture of me with my nephew...

He's only a few days old and already changed so many lives... I can only hope that with each passing day, the lives continue to improve and that he feels as much love as he deserves!

When my son was born, my life changed so dramatically, and so quickly... I didn't even know it was happening...

Somehow, I knew this new little boy was going to be an answer to some prayers... I just had no idea that I'd see the changes so quickly, and that his effect would be so profound.

You might notice how tired I look, but I couldn't be happier!

I'll have to spend the weekend making up all the lost time with Jonah... Maybe a trip to the park, or zoo, since it'll be such a beautiful weekend... Looking forward to some quality time, and maybe even sleeping in a bit... But I won't hold my breathe...

Just wanted to add a pic so you can all see my new nephew, and his adoring dad... Love them both so much!

day one...

I've never been very good at follow through... something inside always seemed to stop me from moving forward...

Today is a new day, one which I hope breaks the long pattern of disappointment with my lack of committment and my inability to get things done... Turns out that I have adult ADHD... At 30 years old, I am told that all these years of being unable to finish things and to make simple choices like others around me is because of an "executive function deficiency"... At first, I kind of thought that the doctor was crazy, but as I sit and look back at my life, the description seems appropriate... My brain doesn't let me put things in order the way they should be... Instead, I spend all my time trying to sort through things in some random order and hope that it all works out...

I've spent the last two years trying to help my amazingly brilliant son deal with his mental health issues... I do my best to help him thrive in a sea of uncertainty... all the while suffering silently as I fight just to maintain some semblance of normalcy, for him... for my family... Now, I find out that taking a couple of pills every day, seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, learning some new coping techniques, and just recognizing where I need help may be all that I've ever needed... I'm not a failure, I just failed to see there was something wrong... or maybe I just denied that there was something wrong because I thought that something was REALLY wrong...

I want today to be a good day... I will make today good day... I'll visit the hospital again, to snuggle my brand new nephew... I'll sneak my son into the hospital to catch a peek at his new cousin! I'll watch as my brother holds his son with a look of awe and know that he finally understands what being a dad, and a man, is about... I'll watch as Beth slowly, but gladly, adjusts to the demands of motherhood, reminding her that all she has to do is her best and everything will be alright! I'll watch as my brother looks adoringly at the woman who gave him the most amazing gift of his life...

I'll cry inside, and maybe outside too, as I think about how happy my father would be if he were here and able to hold his two grandsons in his arms... Instead, he lays 6 feet below the earth thanks to an accident over twenty years ago... an accident that ripped him away from his family, with no warning and no time to say goodbye or complete any unfinished business... I know he'd be proud of me, and of my brother... I know in my heart that he'd accept and encourage all the choices that we've made, because that's just who he was... I remember how forgiving he was, and how he accepted everything at face value, without judgement... I remember my father's smile, and I see it in my brother's face, as he looks at his new son...

I cried as I hugged my brother last night, and told him how proud I was of him... And I cried as I told him what he already knew, that our father would have been proud of who he's become...

Now I wait, for the changes to happen... for my life to finally reach a point where normal feels normal...