day one...

I've never been very good at follow through... something inside always seemed to stop me from moving forward...

Today is a new day, one which I hope breaks the long pattern of disappointment with my lack of committment and my inability to get things done... Turns out that I have adult ADHD... At 30 years old, I am told that all these years of being unable to finish things and to make simple choices like others around me is because of an "executive function deficiency"... At first, I kind of thought that the doctor was crazy, but as I sit and look back at my life, the description seems appropriate... My brain doesn't let me put things in order the way they should be... Instead, I spend all my time trying to sort through things in some random order and hope that it all works out...

I've spent the last two years trying to help my amazingly brilliant son deal with his mental health issues... I do my best to help him thrive in a sea of uncertainty... all the while suffering silently as I fight just to maintain some semblance of normalcy, for him... for my family... Now, I find out that taking a couple of pills every day, seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, learning some new coping techniques, and just recognizing where I need help may be all that I've ever needed... I'm not a failure, I just failed to see there was something wrong... or maybe I just denied that there was something wrong because I thought that something was REALLY wrong...

I want today to be a good day... I will make today good day... I'll visit the hospital again, to snuggle my brand new nephew... I'll sneak my son into the hospital to catch a peek at his new cousin! I'll watch as my brother holds his son with a look of awe and know that he finally understands what being a dad, and a man, is about... I'll watch as Beth slowly, but gladly, adjusts to the demands of motherhood, reminding her that all she has to do is her best and everything will be alright! I'll watch as my brother looks adoringly at the woman who gave him the most amazing gift of his life...

I'll cry inside, and maybe outside too, as I think about how happy my father would be if he were here and able to hold his two grandsons in his arms... Instead, he lays 6 feet below the earth thanks to an accident over twenty years ago... an accident that ripped him away from his family, with no warning and no time to say goodbye or complete any unfinished business... I know he'd be proud of me, and of my brother... I know in my heart that he'd accept and encourage all the choices that we've made, because that's just who he was... I remember how forgiving he was, and how he accepted everything at face value, without judgement... I remember my father's smile, and I see it in my brother's face, as he looks at his new son...

I cried as I hugged my brother last night, and told him how proud I was of him... And I cried as I told him what he already knew, that our father would have been proud of who he's become...

Now I wait, for the changes to happen... for my life to finally reach a point where normal feels normal...